Factgirl

factual, friendly, fabulous!

Seige of Sniffles: Day 4

April16

Jellyface is feeling better but yesterday Hellcat took a turn for the worse. We had picked Jelly up from school and stopped by the market because I’m totally out of frozen pizza, wine and coffee. Halfway through the trip Helly goes “my ear is hurting”, it was not ten minutes later before the girl was pale, feverish and in excruciating pain.

I rushed the kids home called the doc - no appointments until Friday. So I gave Helly the only medicine I had that looked like it might help; some kinda Triaminic with Tylonol. Then I put her into a bath. Suddenly, she looks up at me in a panic and mouths silently “help I can’t breathe” sure enough her lips are turning blue - she really can’t breathe!

So I scoop her out of the tub and rub her really fast with a towel and say “You can breathe! You can breathe!” and suddenly she takes a LOUD breath of air. Man I was so realieved I just hugged her and hugged her.

Woo how dramatic!

So I took her to the doctor this morning and she was a trooper. He told her she had massive infections in both ears, a red thoat and *gasp* pink eye. Her face may just fall off unless her little nose stays healthy. The breathing thing was because her fever broke.

So the eyedrops are 50 bucks and the non-generic Antibiotic was 100 bucks and she still doesn’t feel better. Plus she decided she hates getting drops in her eyes. Now I would just love to tell her “aw honey ok, if you don’t like the drops we’ll just skip them” Like June Cleaver, but dude, those drops were 50 BUCKS! Unless Miss baby can reimburse me for a seafood dinner at a moderatly priced chain restaurant SHE IS GETTIN THE DAMN DROPS!

This is one area where my children differ - Jelly I had to wrestle to the floor and sit on to administer medicine - Helly I just have to play her special chess game of drama until she says uncle. Luckily I INVENTED THAT GAME 30 YEARS AGO! MWA HA HA ! (don’t tell her till shes grown out of this phase ok?)

In other news: my fhwrdh brought me kit kats even though he feels like crap. That is reason #1,355,827 why I love him.

Epidemic: Day 2

April13

IMG_3640.JPG
Originally uploaded by theslinky.

Last week I had a totally sore throat. Now my sinuses hurt.

Yesterday Jellyface had a bad sore throat and the sniffles. At school one of the teachers said she had the Whooping cough! That is bullcrap of course - no one gets the whooping cough. She probably had consumption or dropsy.

Now little Hellcat has the sniffles and sore throat. So now I have both kids home from school and they are making messes everywhere. Plus they are filling up the tivo with some of the worst shows ever - like Ed, Edd, and Eddie and Billy and Mandy (sorry Juli H, but your show sucks ass - no offense). There just better be room on Tivo for my Lost and Revelations episodes tonight or those kids are punished!

Wow I don’t even feel like eating chocolate right now.

So what else…My hair looks great today - of course because I can’t go anywhere to show it off.

Factgirl Reviews: Play Without Words

April12

Play Without Words
Originally uploaded by factgirl.

It was Christmas, 2004 and we were gathered with family to chow our Christmas turkey (or ham, I really can’t recall). We opened our presents a lo, what to my watering eyes should appear, but season tickets to the Ahmanson!

Every evening has been really fun, with stand out performances of Little Shop of Horrors and Caroline or Change, but the most excellent show of all is the current Play Without Words.

First of all, you should know, it includes dancing. In fact, it’s all dancing. the entire narrative is told through - gulp - dance. But this is no ordinary Nutcracker, no no !

Its the story of 1960’s Rich Guy, who dances his way through buying a big house, hiring a frisky maid and gay butler, making out with his chic girlfriend, making out with his frisky maid, and other great plot twists which I wont give away here. Suffice it to say the story is compelling.

Even more compelling is the choreography. Matthew Bourne cast each character with three dancers - who all dance at the same time. This not only adds to the visual fun, but also serves the story very well, sometimes illustrating what a character feels as opposed to his actions.

The sets and stage direction sometimes bring to mind a cool Shag painting or an episode of Hullabaloo. They round out this funny, sexy, smart treat of a night out.

I recommend it heartily for adults who like doing stuff.

Factgirl rating: 10 out of 10 Morton’s Honey Buns

Bonnie Franklin Loves to Tap!

April9

bonniefranklin
Originally uploaded by factgirl.

Dear Bonnie,

Girl, I totally know where you are coming from. I hate to exercise too! The gym is smelly and foot fungus growing everywhere and those skinny bitches with their dumb water bottles - they will bump into you with them just to give you a cellulite bruise so watch out!

You know what I love to do? Play poker. One reason for my love of poker is how excellent at it I am. As previously mentioned I beat my mom and my dad and almost beat fhwrdh, but what I didn’t mention is that one time I came in second at a real tournament with MEN playing. Its true!

Hey remember when you were playing Ann Romano and you used to have the theme song… This is it! This is life, the only one we get so lets have a ball.. And Schneider! OMG he was so funny with the cigs in the shirtsleeve and the moustache!

Anyway, back to poker. So I made a poker blog and it has received over 4 hits! I know - pretty awesome. I even got invited to a poker blogger poker night at a real casino! I was flyin on top of the world when “Aw snap! I have tickets to a cerebral night at the theater Saturday night!” I always have bad luck like that. Oh well. I will Blog part Deux of my Complete Poker Tutorial and If it is well received maybe I’ll get invited out again with the poker bloggers.

Anyway, girlfriend I gotta go think about ordering dinner for the kids, so I am outies. Say hi to Val and Mac for me!

Keep Tappin!
-Facty

So Happy It’s Thursday!

April7

Rawk! It’s frickin Thursday people! My favorite day of the week.

a-one o’clock, a-two-hoo o’clock, a-thrrrree o’clock *crunch* thrrrrree!

April6

ball_clock
Originally uploaded by factgirl.

Hey Mister Owl, check out my Tootsie Pop Nelson Clock!

Modern accessories have never been so inexpensive (and yummy!)

Design w/o Reach

yum

yum

Butterfly Invasion: Day 11

April6

butterfly graveyard
Originally uploaded by jamie h.

The Great Butterfly Invasion of 2005 is nearly over but new information is still coming out about this fearsome predator: it seems the rabid insects that have clogged our skyways for the past week and a half turn out to be not Monarchs, but the even more deadly Painted Lady Butterflies.

Painted Ladies are swarming from Northern Mexico through Southern California because they thirst for the ritalin-rich blood of our innocent children (and the heavy rainfall this winter made for lush hiding spaces).

Scroll down for tips on what to do if you encounter a butterfly and take inventory of your emergency supplies.

Girl Scout cookies!

Clarifications

April3

Many of you have written in to ask “Facty, what qualifications do you have to write your Complete Poker Tutorial?”. (well ok, no one wrote in but fhwrdh did give me the stink eye when I told him I was going to blog about poker).

Well last night I just so happened to have won a poker game. I beat my mom and my dad and I almost beat fhwrdh! So I wanted to share my gift with the world. I’m a giver. Its how I roll. Is that so very wrong mister fhwrdh (if that is your real name)?

That’s what I thought.

Factgirl’s Complete Poker Tutorial

April3

“Son, I’ve made a life out of readin’ people’s faces, and knowin’ what their cards were by he way they held their eyes.” Kenny Rogers, “The Gambler”

Kenny Rogers was right - reading people is important in the game of poker. Just as important, though, is to be very aware that whilst you are reading your opponents they are reading you! (Also the hand rankings and betting rules are important but we will get to those at a later date.) Today’s tutorial subject is:

Table Image

Table image begins before you even set foot on a poker table. Sit back and imagine yourself right now playing a hand. How do you look? Are the other players respecting your raises? Are any hot ladies sweating* you?

The first thing to do is determine your personal style. See if you identify with any of these:

-be old, beloved and wear a white cowboy hat. be from Texas.
-grow very tall. use your mild manner to become the Principal of Poker.
-wear creepy hologram glasses and carry bones in your pockets.
-grow you hair totally long and wear black. ballroom dance.
-sign many endorsement deals. throw tantrums and be a prick.
-make rockin gold brass knuckles with your name on them. be British.

Do any of these appeal to you? Yes? Too bad, they’re taken, but don’t fret, you still have hope. Just follow this recipe.

1.Choose a hat. Poker players across the globe agree, one of the beginners best investments is a hat with a substantial brim. Hats can be trucker, baseball, cowboy, or even a Mexican sombrero. If possible, pick a hat with a witty poker saying, such as “I got the Nuts!!!” or “Poker Stud” so people know you are serious enough to invest in true poker gear.

2.Sunglasses are a must. I cannot stress this enough. Now that many casinos are non-smoking, sunglasses are the only way to have that hip Hollywood image we poker players admire and respect. Warning: the only brand to avoid is Oakley. Oakleys are for dorks only (unless you can slice my head off with a playing card - then you can pull off Oakleys).

3.Apple iPod. Poker players only love one thing more than poker and drinks and snacks and buffets, and that is tunes. Tunes help us stay in the winning mindset. Some songs to preload before the big game: Bohemian Rhapsody, Eye of the Tiger, Another One Bites the Dust and Highway to Hell.

This should get your look started, but I know what you’re thinking, “Facty, I look outstanding! But how shall I deport myself to inspire respect in my opponents?”

“Chill,” I reply to you, “Just follow my three rules of table behavior. Check it out:”

Rule One: Bluff early, bluff often. Bluff bluff bluff. Make sure you show people your cards after a successful bluff and laugh in their stupid faces. Rub it in good! Keep bluffing a little more.

Rule Two: Develop a signature sound. Maybe shout “Bok bok!” every once in a while. Or snort through your nose really loudly. Whistle!

Rule Three: Chip tricks. Riffle them, shuffle them, flip them, spin them. Whatever you do, move your chips, and the louder the better!

Well, that should get you started on a winning poker career. Next time: Factgirl’s Complete Poker Tutorial Part Two: The Rules of Texas Hold’ Em

*sweating = watching you play and caring if you win or lose.

EMERGENCY!

April2

fire
Originally uploaded by schadenfreude lola.

Today My sister and I took our kids to the The California Science Center. If you are grown up or don’t live in LA, the Ca Sci Ctr is a big science museum in Exposition Park downtown. It has stuff to learn about recycling, alternative fuel sources, how your guts work, and whatnot.

We arrived late because right as we were walking out the door my nice neighbor came over to ask for some lemons. She is very nice and must love lemons. She maybe should think of planting her own lemon tree. I may take a sharpie and write PLANT ME on the side of a lemon and leave it by her door. Ooo that would be sad though if she opens the door and trips on it. I better light it on fire first so she’s sure to see it!

Anyway, we were at the Science Center and the kids were learning about how remotes and flash bulbs and radios work when suddenly my sister says “hey I think thats the fire alarm!”. Sure enough there is a strobe light on the wall going crazy and a faint little beeep beeep beeep . Then a Fembot Robo-voice came on the intercom “Attention. A fire has been reported in the building. Please exit the building.”

Now I have been in a few malls and public areas when a fire alarm goes off and I am always amazed at what happens. People hear the alarm, then confirm visually that the alarm is going off. Then they tell a friend or child or someone near them “hey the fire alarm is going off”. Then they stand there like idiots or go back to what they are doing. This is why people die in horrific fires and balcony collapses and all that.

Not my sister and me though. We are survivors! We calmly herded our kids out of the building. Then we complimented them on their excellent survival skills. Then we yelled at Jelly for screaming “RUN EVERYBODY THERE IS A BAD FIRE IN THE BUILDING! SAVE YOURSELVES! FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE!!!!!” Then we went over to the flame-free Natural History Museum to check out the freaky Megamouth Shark and Coelacanth.

Oh yeah then on the way home we saw this guy whose car was on fire and he was just sitting there but right in front of us was an army man (or marine or whatever) and he pulled up and got the guy out of his car and helped him. The guy whose car was on fire had a man bag and I started laughing my head off. I love Man Bags. Go Kel Night!!!!

Pop Rocks and Coke baby!

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