Factgirl

factual, friendly, fabulous!

Black Friday

November26


Everyone who has a house needs to clean it now and then, and by house I mean place to live. Sure, Donald Trump doesn’t have to take his dishes to the kitchen after dinner, but you think Milania doesn’t insist he be a sweetie and wipe the seatie? Bitch, please!

Ok so I, as a mother of two children often have to clean my house. One time I tried to get the children to help but they acted like dirty little urchin-extras from the chorus of “Oliver!”. No lie. They even did a medley of “Food, Glorious Food” until I begged for mercy.

Anyway…

I was cleaning my house today. First I did the bathrooms and burned all my nosehairs out with bleach fumes (beauty tip: nosehair getting unruly? try bleach fumes! and I’m talking to you, Andy Rooney). Then I played a $1 MTT (That’s Multi-Table Tournament for you PTA Ladies) and I finished 65th - thanks AQ (Dear AQ, I am starting to rethink our relationship. I feel I can’t trust you to deliver the sweet chips of my opponents as I once thought you could. I will still play you aggressively, but will be mindful that you can be quite a bitch. love, facty)

Where was I? Oh yes…

After the bleach burns and the MTT, I decided to vacuum the upstairs. So I did. I vacuumed and vacuumed and vacuumed. Then I took the wand and started to vacuum the dust bunnies under the bed. I had to lay down on the floor so I could see what I was vacuuming and something caught my eye. Under the bed just barely out of my reach was some paper… a book? a magazine? hmmm I scooted and reached with the wand as far as I could…. a little closer…a little closer…

SCHROOCHEEEEEE

suddenly my head was yanked brutally back and the vacuum made a sound between a whine and an evil cackle as my hair wrapped around its unforgiving roller. I yelped in pain and had to feel my way around to the side of the possessed machine to find the on/off switch - thank goodness it wasn’t up by the handle or I’d be a goner. I flipped the switch and the vacuum of hell moaned and ceased. But my hair was still stuck. I gently worked my hair out of the groaning maw and sat up to survey the damage. Head: still there. Hair: Mostly still there. Vacuum: laughing at me with a huge clump of my red hair in its teeth. The overworked motor had stunk up the room and as I kicked the vacuum I vowed never to let this happen again.

So I’m gettin a maid y’all. All professional poker players should have maids.

Epilogue: The paper under the bed was an old Linux Journal. And that is how Linus Torvalds and my geek husband ruined my hair.

the end

Reprezent

November22


Oh. My. God. Y’all.

I totally won a spot in the Shootout in the Desert Tournament! I will be reprezenting the ladies (or Dames if you prefer) of the Blogging Community as well as the Poker Widow Community plus also the PTA. I am honored.

When I won the tourney, I was so excited I ran into the bedroom where my poor poor fhwrdh was sleeping after working mas mucho overtime. I wiggled his shoulder to wake him. “I won!” I whisper-squealed.

“Whaaaaaaa?” he groaned. He was suddenly severely awake

“I won! I won the whole thing!” The look of sweet relief on his face reminded me that the last time I had woken him from an overtime nap was to tell him I was pregnant.

So for the PTA Ladies here’s the rundown: I am going to Las Vegas in December with my husband, fhwrdh. I’m going to play in the WPBT (That’s World Poker Blogger’s Tournament) Winter Classic with about 100 other bloggers. I plan to bust out early and have a mojito, then I will be playing in a winner-take-all 6 person (5 boys and me) tourney. I plan to bust outa that early too. Then I will hang out with Mrs. Hdouble and have more mojitos. Maybe go to the spa for a massage.

The tournament was great. I feel like I played my very best game. My goal was just to have fun because so many good poker people were playing, I really didn’t expect to get very far. Then I chatted and had a lot of fun but I was in the zone. Plus I got AA and KK and AK and AQ and they all held up. Yeah, that didn’t hurt.

Anyway - sorry to all the people I busted. And thanks to all who stuck around and sweated me. Especially Ephro!

And the most thanks go to Bill Rini for putting the whole thing together. I’m gonna buy you a beer. or a mojito!

Dear fhwrdh

November16
Dear fhwrdh: An Historical Account

by Ken Burns

PHOTO MONTAGE: family snapshots and memorabilia.

MUSIC: single violin playing “Keep the Homefires Burnin’” (trad.)

VOICE OVER: David McCullough

The software roll-out skirmish of ‘ot 5 was in full swing. As engineering battles raged on the front lines, the wives kept the homesteads running and watched for signs that their brave husbands had made it home.

VOICE OVER: Collen Dewhurst

Dear fhwrdh,
I was overjoyed to read the letter you sent - and my heart is gladdened to know that the stockings I knit you fit and matched your uniform.

The children are doing fine. Jellyface has done his best to take on the role of man-of-the-house and has been practicing his farming skills. His ciphering still needs work but I know you will be proud when you come home. Hellcat has been working on her first sampler and darned if her needlework isn’t as delicate as Grandma’s!

All is returning back to normal after a fire in the barn took one of the she-goats. I have had to cut back on goat cheese hors d’vors but we are all sacrificing in these difficult times.

Well, that is all for now, my love. I must go refill my martini and microwave some hot dogs for the kids.

Your loving wife,
facty

VOICE OVER: David McCullough

fhwrdh was one of the lucky ones who made it home after the fierce battles that raged on the Los Angeles skyline, but only to be tragically devastated when he found his office had been turned into a craft room.

Poker Report: Thanks for the Poker Lesson!

November15


Dealer: factgirl shows a full house, Tens full of Eights
Dealer: tomes275 shows a Royal Flush*
Dealer: tomes275 wins the pot (3,040) with a Royal Flush
Big ‘ol Fish: wow, nh
Geo: nothin like a royal
tomey275: ty
Geo: just like real life
D_F: factgirl what were u thinking
factgirl: I had a FULL HOUSE…
Geo: r u serious d_f
D_F: it was easy to see that straight on the board
Geo: twit
Geo: she had a boat
D_F: not sraight flush
Geo: he had a royal
Geo: pay attention
Big ‘ol Fish: chances of someone having a royal was very slim

*he played both hole cards (QJ) and rivered the K for the royal.

How will I ever learn to lay down those full houses when there is 3 to the royal flush on the board???

You Gonna Eat That?

November8

So this Halloween my precious precious children went Trick or Treating.

Now you may have read some of my previous writings on the subject of Trick or Treating, but if you haven’t and don’t have the inclination to investigate further, let me summarize:

I think Trick or Treat is a poor idea. It is contrary to the messages we send to children all year long - don’t talk to strangers, don’t take candy from strangers, don’t extort candy from people with threats of pranks.

As you might imagine, I have some pretty strict rules when it comes to Trick or Treating, all of which I will list for you now:

1. Stay together - this is always rule #1.
2. Only hit up houses with porchlights lit - This is just common courtesy.
3. Only hit up houses in Aunt Bendix’s Cul d’ Sac - It’s a nice family neighborhood.
4. Let Mommy check every piece before you eat it - Not that I really think that people are going to poison anyone, but the school teaches the children all this Halloween Safety so you gotta put on a big show of checking the Hershey’s miniatures for razor blades and rat poison.
5. Mommy gets all the Almond Joy - The kids agree because everyone knows Almond Joy, with its coconuty chocolatey nut, is as poisonous to children as the heels of the bread.

So Needless to say I am about to puke Almond Joy. Seriously. It was an Almond Joy frenzy this year. Sure the kids cried when I ended up taking half their stash, but can I help it if the market had a sale on Almond Joy? Or maybe my sister’s cul d’ sac is full of procrastinators. Come to think of it my sister is late to everything….

No matter. What counts now is that I have a stomach ache and the kids are mad at me.

Trick or Treat suuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.

WPBT Shootout

November6

Howdy Y’all

I am playing in a blogger tournament. And I’m blogging it. This should create a crazy poker blog vortex so if you experience any dry mouth or dizziness, sit down and have a drink.

12:15 So far I’m down about 400 bucks. and sweet Maudie is out .

12:17 Hellcat hates my avatar, The Ugly Flower.

12:20 I’m the shortstack. dang!

12:27 Now I’m in 4th! yay!

12:31 Bill Rini rocks

12:36 Bill Rini tried to double up against me. I am way too smart for that! He thought I had an Ace but really I had nothing. I totally folded!

12:41 fhwrdh brought me pizza

12:48 that pizza was really good. it had eggplant. Easycure is making a comeback! He has more chips than me!

12:53 Easycure took some of my chips. that bastard

12:57 I’m out. Easy took the rest of my chips. He should buy me a drink for being such a crappy poker player. or at least give me a cool license plate link.

This concludes the liveblogging coverage for today - tune in next week for round 2 of the WPBT Shootout!

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